The Death of VR

In the spirit of encouraging our readership to occasionally step out of the claustrophobic VR hype echo chamber, UKRifter.com now welcomes a guest writer – Donald Key, part time gamer / full time Influencer, who provides his surprising opinion that Virtual Reality is dead. Over to you Don.

Before you start with the whole, Don you ain’t even tried V R goggles, I have, my buddy Jim got himself a new Note4 off of ebay a couple of months back and it came with a -only slightly soiled – top of the range, Gere VR entertainment system. What a God damn waste of time. The main thing I didn’t like was that it was made by Oculus. For those of you that don’t know, Oculus is owned by FACEBOOK. I was talking to my whatsapp buddies about this the other night and they all agree, we don’t want Zuckerberg beaming adverts into our brains. Who wants to play a Farmville VR anyway. I wore it for a few minutes, it made me dizzy and confused. I started to feel things. I’m positive it was Zuckerberg’s tenticles trying to change my mind about something I had already decided was stupid. I threw it on the ground, Jim didn’t mind, we went and played some NBA Unrivaled on his Xbox until sun up.

I don’t like to say “VR is dead”. It would have to have been alive first. I see you people on YouTube. Buncha dorks hopping around pretending to hit blocks with swords. Give me a break. Who in their right mind wants to be doing that? That sword block game sound track was awful, not a single song by Billy Ray Cyrus. How is VR going to appeal to real people with all that confusingly sexy j-pop noise?

I know all about VR anyway. I am one of those early adopters. The first person on my block to pick up a 3D TV. For those that don’t know, 3D TV is VR without the stupid goggles. Take it from me, what a waste of money that was. The adverts for 3D TV showed things bouncing up and down in front of people’s faces. It looked like you could reach out of touch. I watched my first 3D movie while my wife was staying at her sisters – again – and I hardly felt like I was in that dingy hotel room scene at all. I could only watch it for a few minutes and then lost interest.

VR is dangerous. Even if I wanted to experience the majesty of staring into an infinite digital wonderland, WHICH I DON’T, I just can’t take the risk. My brother Roy is always playing jokes on me. If I start dancing around with VR goggles on like a god damn future monkey man, I guarantee he will give me a swift and powerful punch to the nuts. I know I would do the same to him, and have. I heard about a person who accidentally caught his sleeve on fire on a candle while in VR and didn’t notice until his entire right side of his body was burned to a cinder.

Recently I saw that Half Life Alyx was coming out. I was excited, even though it was about Alyx who was hardly even in the other games. I looked past that. Female empowerment and all, the chicks at the bar love all that stuff. But then I heard it was VR only and my damn wrist watch blood pressure alarm started going off, last time that happened when some snowflake in a Prius overtook my truck. I must have passed out. I woke up on the floor in a pool of what can only have been a lot of sweat, still shaking with rage. I went to tell my wife, but then I remembered, she was at her sisters – again – following a misunderstanding after she found me asleep in front of the 3D TV without my pants on, long story, but I spilled beer on them earlier, talk about putting 2 and 2 together and reaching 5. So with the wife out of the picture, I turned to my “L33T PC Master Race Gamerz” group on facebook and wrote a 15 page rant. Every group member agreed with me, all 5 clicked “like thumb”, Brian – he’s the funny guy in the team – clicked “vomit face”. How was I supposed to enjoy this immersive virtual reality experience, HOW exactly was I supposed to be a tourist in an immersive digital realm that I dreamed of as a child. I had just upgraded my PC system with two RTX2080TIs, so I was damned if I was going to spend another 200 bucks on VR idiot goggles. Lining the pockets of some corporate psycho. First Zuckerberg is trying the milk the money out of my wallet, now Gabe Newell too! These guys, it’s all about the money. It’s like they don’t even care about gaming.

VR isn’t for gamerz like me and my crew. Call of Duty, not VR. Battlefield, not VR. Fortnite, not VR. Roblox, not VR. None of the best games on the planet are VR, you know why? Because a monitor screens are higher res. FACT. I know it. My crew knows it. All the PC master race knows it. VR is nothing but a load of Playstation 2 graphic demos. I don’t care if my senses are completely immersed in the environment moving me to the brink of tears through the majesty of infinite digital potential, I SAW A PIXEL, I ain’t seen a pixel since 2003.

The Oculus VR store, don’t make me laugh, it’s as if they don’t want to promote games where I can train my muscle memory to fast reload, aim and pump round after round of AR bullets into unsuspecting life-like simulations of people. I don’t NEED to feel what it’s like to be an immigrant crossing the Mediterranean to escape oppression in their war torn country, encouraging empathy for my fellow man regardless of their race or religion, WHY would I? The list of similar titles goes on, probably, I wouldn’t know – that was the only thing I looked at in the store and it made me feel physically sick and angry. God damn watch is beeping again. So in closing, to quote my all caps facebook post…

“THAT AIN’T A GAME ZUCKERBERG.”

There. 1000 words. Invoice for $20 enclosed.

Donald Key

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